You’re More than a Leaderboard
Telling my ego to shut the fck up is really, really hard.
As I sit here writing this I'm trolling the open leaderboard. Scrolling through to peruse where some of the gals I know are falling.
Is this a productive use of time? Naur. Am I doing it anyways? Apparently
The open leaderboard has always been a sticky subject for me.
I was 'raised' (early 20s - which is practically childhood ) in a toxic retest environment. Where I was told that I wasn't enough. That the other girls were better than me because they did better on a workout. That my worth equated to a standing on the leaderboard.
So I did the workouts over and over and over again.
I would be emotionally and physically wrecked. Did I do any productive training that weekend or week? Absolutely not. And it most certainly wasn't worth it.
As an athlete it wasn't beneficial to bump up a couple of spots on a leaderboard. What I really needed to focus on was training.
But that little leaderboard taunted me. Even if I was proud of my performance in the moment, I'd put my score in and feel disappointment.
This constant comparison to the other gals made me feel awful - I would dread the open workouts for fear of where I'd land on a leaderboard.
The second I stopped comparing myself to the other gals at the gym and started doing the workouts for myself, training and competing became a lot more fun and a lot less stressful.
A leaderboard doesn't have the capacity to tell you your worth as an athlete. It's truly just a form of data. But we internalize this number and equate it to our value as an individual.
Logically I understand that seeing my name on a leaderboard doesn't equate to my worth. But unfortunately logic doesn't trump emotions. Separating out your emotions from logic takes time. And is never easy.
- - -
This year is the most comfortable I've been during the open - and it's not because it's my best finish (because it isn’t). This year I made sure to set clear priorities and goals for the season and make sure that all of my actions throughout the season aline with these goals.
This year is a year to build. I'm primarily focusing on training as hard as I can to see how far I can get next season. This means prioritizing training throughout the next year and not prioritizing the open.
Obviously I'm still going to try my damndest and have a good fckin time doing it. But that also means putting all my effort into making sure I still have productive training weekends (aka not doing the same workout 3 times in a row).
Having intentionality with this season took so much of the pressure off. I actually felt comfortable with myself and my progress.
Given that doesn’t mean I was stoked with how this open went. I absolutely bombed the second open workout - there's literally 5 million things I'd change if I were to do it again.
BUT rather than retest a workout just for the sake of my ego, I'd rather spend time on rowing intervals to makes sure I never feel this way during a workout again.
And I think thats called growth:)
It's really, really hard not to find our self-worth in a number on the leaderboard. But we’re so much more than simply what we do. We’re more than our standing on a leaderboard.
We’re human -meaning we have good days and bad days. Sometimes the bad days fall on competition days and that's going to negatively affect the leaderboard. That doesn’t mean we’re less than.
So what's the point of a leaderboard if we're not supposed to use it as a source of pride? We learn.
I learned where I sat in relation to my peers. I took what I learned from the workouts that went well and the one that absolutely didn't and I move on.
I'm also taking the time to appreciate where I am and how I've grown since starting this sport. The 1st and 3rd workouts went to plan. I had a plan and executed. I also got better as an athlete by having a solid month of training, rather than a month of retests and anxiety.
SO what's the moral of the story here? Don't let that leaderboard tell you shit - we win some, and we lose some.
And with that we just keep rolling. We learn, move on, and we certainly don't make the same mistakes twice.
xoxo
-Stay Rad🤘🏻
